You will never know

The pain you’ve caused. The independence you stole. The courage you robbed from me. The pain that your sharp and emotionless tongue inflicted. The worry that you conjured in me. The love you grew in me. The growth you tended to in me. The feeling of the bottom of your shoe upon my aching heart. The innocent guilt you bestowed in me. How my cry for help sounded. The actual opinions I had or have. The judgement I make, made, or didn’t even have. The thoughts I currently own or the ones I’ve ever made. The feelings I feel or felt. The trauma inflicted. The way you come off. The way you sound. The sense you don’t make. How wrong you’ve been. How low I’ve actually gotten. The depth of my stories. The pain I have felt. The sleep I’ve lost. The respect I have lost for myself. How trapped I feel. What I actually want. What I desire. What I find attractive. What risk I want to take and what risk I won’t take. What I’d give. What I sacrifice. How I interpret the world. My perception. How good it felt. How bad it felt. The things I love. The things I hate. My perspective. How many times I smiled. How many times my brow furrowed. How many times I didn’t give up. How many times I tried again. EVERYTHING! For you.
I don’t know if you ever will.
Advertisements

Time is short

So my dad is laying in the hospital.  Liver cirrhosis.  Kidneys failing. Gallbladder yuck. A touch of pneumonia. Jaundice as hell.  Who knows what else.  He’s in a lot of pain.  

image

Time feels short.  I have hope that he will recover and will gladly give up my liver to make that happen.  

My point is love on those you have and celebrate their health.   I personally don’t need or find use in prayers.  Although my parents most definitely find comfort in them.   Good vibes do nothing for me either.   Just do something special for someone.   Make a phone call you wouldn’t usually make time for.   Sit down and play with your kid.  Go see your dad. 

I have to consider life without my mom and dad.    The thought induces numbness, mourning, anger, and a mountain full of other emotions.  
I am very logical about the subject too.
I don’t know….it all sucks.  

I’ve been in hospitals a few times this week.   A couple of times to meet a sweet young boy who is new to this planet and has filled me with so much happiness.  And then with my dad.   
Worlds apart.  Time with them both has been precious. 

Just go appreciate time!  That’s all.

J-Bird

The right move….

First off, I’d like to wish a very happy anniversary to “The Music man and his wife, Pearly Whites.

Their anniversary will always remind of the move.  I moved to this town the day they got married.  I remember because I moved all day in the rain.  I was exhausted.  Then Kenneth came over to take me on a date.  We had just started talking a couple of weeks prior.  (HE WAS NOT THE REASON I MOVED)  (Just making that clear.  He lived here and we met in the midst of the moving plans that were in action already.  I never though we would have a relationship due to my man hating mood at the time)

June 2015 019

Back to the story…. He came over all dressed up from being at their wedding.

This year was a year of growth for me.  Discovering myself.   Losing myself.  Finding myself again.  I survived at first but for the first time in a very long time…..maybe ever, I feel like I am thriving.   This past year has had so many ups with meeting new people and going on so many adventures.  It has had so many downs too, with loss, and pain, in relationships, and being a single mom far enough away from family and friends.

I miss so much about the place I use to call home but more than that I am excited everyday to see what new adventure awaits me.  My life is forever different.  Relocating  is about the same “life atomic bomb” as having a baby.  Everything is new and different.  I don’t know what I’m doing but I am figuring it out as I go.  It’s exciting and it’s stressful.

One thing I know for sure…

I will never go back if I can help it.

This is my home…..for now.

 

J-Bird

1 year

Today marks the 1 year anniversary thing for Kenneth and I.  Kinda of cool to recognize it.  Milestones are neat.  It doesn’t feel like its been a year.  Most people feel like its been longer.  It’s been fun.  It’s been trying.  It’s been lovely. I have enjoyed so much getting to know the man I have spent the last year with.  He is incredibly smart, kind, funny as hell, calm, attractive, attentive, present, adventurous, caring, encouraging, good, and so many other great qualities.  We aren’t perfect, but perfect is boring.  Here’s a quick visual run down of the past year.  It’s hard to put into word how I feel about this man.  I’m lucky I have him and him, me.  Love you Kenneth!  You’re great!!!

FullSizeRender (1)
We had fancy dates
June 2015 077
He cheered me on from the sidelines.
June 2015 019
We hung out with stars
June 2015 052
We hung out with kids a lot.
June 2015 018
Gave those looks
July Scan 040
So many kisses
IMG_2463
Goofed off a lot
11782358_10207211288262805_6483345421895833530_o
He has my attention always
phone pic 20016 269
We saw some games
phone pic 20016 160
took naps
Phone pics 2015 2373
We drank lots of tea
Phone pics 2015 2258
Celebrated aging
Phone pics 2015 2257
We saw some fights
Phone pics 2015 2256
We worked it out
Phone pics 2015 2249
He taught me new things.
Phone pics 2015 104
Played lots of chess
Phone pics 2015 087
Traveled
Phone pics 2015 085
Enjoyed the cold
Phone pics 2015 084
Introduced me to bikes
Phone pics 2015 073
Went on rides
Phone pics 2015 064
Built a bike together
Phone pics 2015 005
celebrated the holidays
October 2015 321
Threw an epic shark party
Glamour Kat 187
Did some glamour shots
IMG_1034
Tried new food

In short….. we had a good time!

J-Bird

St. Louie round 2

Version kid.0.
We’ve headed back to the city.  Why you ask?   To bring some of the kids to enjoy it.  

image

image

image

Started at the dinner then off to the City Museum. 
At a few hours in and my arthritic knees gave in.   I had to sit out while Kenneth and the kids went to play.   Damn body.   It didn’t help that I was unexpectedly woke up to leave today.   I thought we were going to leave the next day.  I was all thrown off.  Also I was very sleepy.  Geebus only knows how early I got woke up.  Well, Geebus and Kenneth know I guess.  

Anyways.  I know anyways isn’t a se
ntence and I don’t care.   My site, my rules.   Yes even if I mispell everythang!  (See what I did there).   I type fast and careless on a phone most of the time so suck it.  

image

image

image

image

So, I just sat there.   Waiting while others had fun.   Thinking about random shit like…why do people let other people “sweep them off their feet”? (I will cover this on a different post)
Where the hell did my child self energy go?  Is energy a passing a thing you give your kids when you have them? 
What am I doing with my life?
What should we eat for dinner?

You know.  All the normal questions you ask yourself when you are dare I say bored. More like restless.  Not busy.  No distractions.
I hate that word.  Bored.  If you find your self “bored” then you my friend have a serious expectation problem.  So many kids have this issue.  I blame electronics.  It is not my job to keep you entertained every second of every minute of every hour…and so on.   Get an imagination. 

I’m all kinds of ranty today.   You should hear me on the highway.  
But that’s every damn day.  
Let me just clear something up for your dumb minds (if you are these people).
In my ” you needs crayons for this explanation voice”
Right lane is for slower, cruising along, non passing people. Left lane is for passing pretty much only.    You pass then get over until you know you’ll pass again.   Capeesh?  

image

OK…..after the city museum it was pizza and gelato.  The best gelato around.  The bug won’t stop talking about it.  
It was a good trip for the kids.  

image

Reached 100000 miles on the TB. 

image

Sleep was had. 

I’m wreaked with depression again.   This seems like I’m in a relentless batting cage.   Where the balls are memories and worries and stressors.   I want out. 

Gathering the energy to get a shower seems impossible today.   Ugh….

J-Bird

St. Louis round 1

Here’s some of our weekend trip over view.

We walked. A lot.

image

9 miles to be exact. My body Hates me.

image

We enjoyed some March madness.  That Xavier game , or whatever, was a nail biter.  

image

We walked more….. Lots more….
Then the Mud house of course. 

image

Some famous gelato was had as well.  
It was fun. 

J-Bird.

I’m older now..

…so that means I’m wiser right?   Right??….

Yesterday was muh Birfday.  34.  Thirty effin four!

20160318_175737.jpg

Kenneth put together a little party for me.  The kind you sing at.  Look at him…all hanging up my amaze-balls Llama Banner!   I love llamas.  This month I have a new llama shirt coming in every week I think.  Thanks babe.

I got a moneys from the rents, a cake from the feathers, a llama painting, robot cat socks (which I have on right now and also they turn my wood floors into a skating rink), and an astronaut cat/ pizza cup from gutterskump, a new seat to made for my bike from Sherve, all kinds of shit from Kenneth *swoon* , a new amiibo from Scott Kelly, not one but 2 books from Future CEO, some lotion and girly things…some chocolate and gum from……K (need to think up a name for her,  and I know there was something else from a certain person and I, for the life of me, can not remember and I’m too lazy to get up to look.  Shart.  Either way I am so grateful for all the things but I am more grateful the friendship and time spent having fun with theses folks.

Kenneth serenaded me at the party.  It was super sweet and I’ll always remember it.

They sang happy birthday through a mic synthesizer thing. So I got to hear it in a demonic voice while I blew out my 666 candles.  Ha. Ha.

Finished the night playing some drums with Dr. tooth/ Baby momma!  I’m really loving the drums.   Like a lot!

I still have birthday apocalypse coming up with Sandwich Control too.

 

So anyways,  I was reading one of my new books while using the restroom earlier.  I wondered to myself if others do the same.  Read on the toilet that is.  I assume others do that.  If so….christ how many poo particles are on our books in our house.  Or our phones.  OH GOD!   gross

Headed to St. Louis again tomorrow with Kenneth and his buddy “the Shark” for now.  You know like the one off Nemo?   We are going to go watch some basketball.  Should be a good time.

I off to pack with Ken.

J-Bird

 

 

Green….

there…. I was festive.

On to other stuff.

I haven’t written in a bit.  I was made aware of that and I realize I don’t write when I’m down.  I’ve been down a lot lately.  Feeling ok today though, so I got that going for me.

Today is my Step-sons birthday!  Happy Birthday Cobe-san-a-rama.

This week I found out my youngest feather has a legit learning disability.  It’s good to have validation.  Now I have to learn how to learn her.  🙂  I needed some more complicated shit in my life.  She’s great and we will get through this.

Still been working on the bike.

Cleaning parts and removing very old and very stuck gaskets is the not so fun part of building your own bike.  But it must be done.

I’m getting a little impatient again with it.  I want to put the thing together and ride it already.  UGH!

This weekend is getting close.  That means St. Louis is getting close.  EEEEEEKKKKK!

I’m Out!

J-Bird

 

 

And they’re still together…

….after all these years!

image

Good ol mom and dad celebrating their anniversary today.   I wouldn’t know how because I just now remembered that it was their big day.   Geebus I’ve been so tied up in my own junk today that I forgot.      

I’ve been a bit stressed today or rather worn out.  I don’t even have energy to write about it.   
I am thankful that my parents have managed to stick it out even when things aren’t easy.  
I definitely didn’t follow their footsteps but I’m happy for them and I can depend on seeing them hand in hand until the end.   It is nice to be certain of some things in life.  
And I am certain those two will just keep on going on and on.   
Night

J-bird.