Time is short

So my dad is laying in the hospital.  Liver cirrhosis.  Kidneys failing. Gallbladder yuck. A touch of pneumonia. Jaundice as hell.  Who knows what else.  He’s in a lot of pain.  

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Time feels short.  I have hope that he will recover and will gladly give up my liver to make that happen.  

My point is love on those you have and celebrate their health.   I personally don’t need or find use in prayers.  Although my parents most definitely find comfort in them.   Good vibes do nothing for me either.   Just do something special for someone.   Make a phone call you wouldn’t usually make time for.   Sit down and play with your kid.  Go see your dad. 

I have to consider life without my mom and dad.    The thought induces numbness, mourning, anger, and a mountain full of other emotions.  
I am very logical about the subject too.
I don’t know….it all sucks.  

I’ve been in hospitals a few times this week.   A couple of times to meet a sweet young boy who is new to this planet and has filled me with so much happiness.  And then with my dad.   
Worlds apart.  Time with them both has been precious. 

Just go appreciate time!  That’s all.

J-Bird

The right move….

First off, I’d like to wish a very happy anniversary to “The Music man and his wife, Pearly Whites.

Their anniversary will always remind of the move.  I moved to this town the day they got married.  I remember because I moved all day in the rain.  I was exhausted.  Then Kenneth came over to take me on a date.  We had just started talking a couple of weeks prior.  (HE WAS NOT THE REASON I MOVED)  (Just making that clear.  He lived here and we met in the midst of the moving plans that were in action already.  I never though we would have a relationship due to my man hating mood at the time)

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Back to the story…. He came over all dressed up from being at their wedding.

This year was a year of growth for me.  Discovering myself.   Losing myself.  Finding myself again.  I survived at first but for the first time in a very long time…..maybe ever, I feel like I am thriving.   This past year has had so many ups with meeting new people and going on so many adventures.  It has had so many downs too, with loss, and pain, in relationships, and being a single mom far enough away from family and friends.

I miss so much about the place I use to call home but more than that I am excited everyday to see what new adventure awaits me.  My life is forever different.  Relocating  is about the same “life atomic bomb” as having a baby.  Everything is new and different.  I don’t know what I’m doing but I am figuring it out as I go.  It’s exciting and it’s stressful.

One thing I know for sure…

I will never go back if I can help it.

This is my home…..for now.

 

J-Bird

1 year

Today marks the 1 year anniversary thing for Kenneth and I.  Kinda of cool to recognize it.  Milestones are neat.  It doesn’t feel like its been a year.  Most people feel like its been longer.  It’s been fun.  It’s been trying.  It’s been lovely. I have enjoyed so much getting to know the man I have spent the last year with.  He is incredibly smart, kind, funny as hell, calm, attractive, attentive, present, adventurous, caring, encouraging, good, and so many other great qualities.  We aren’t perfect, but perfect is boring.  Here’s a quick visual run down of the past year.  It’s hard to put into word how I feel about this man.  I’m lucky I have him and him, me.  Love you Kenneth!  You’re great!!!

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We had fancy dates
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He cheered me on from the sidelines.
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We hung out with stars
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We hung out with kids a lot.
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Gave those looks
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So many kisses
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Goofed off a lot
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He has my attention always
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We saw some games
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took naps
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We drank lots of tea
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Celebrated aging
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We saw some fights
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We worked it out
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He taught me new things.
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Played lots of chess
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Traveled
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Enjoyed the cold
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Introduced me to bikes
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Went on rides
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Built a bike together
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celebrated the holidays
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Threw an epic shark party
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Did some glamour shots
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Tried new food

In short….. we had a good time!

J-Bird

St. Louie round 2

Version kid.0.
We’ve headed back to the city.  Why you ask?   To bring some of the kids to enjoy it.  

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Started at the dinner then off to the City Museum. 
At a few hours in and my arthritic knees gave in.   I had to sit out while Kenneth and the kids went to play.   Damn body.   It didn’t help that I was unexpectedly woke up to leave today.   I thought we were going to leave the next day.  I was all thrown off.  Also I was very sleepy.  Geebus only knows how early I got woke up.  Well, Geebus and Kenneth know I guess.  

Anyways.  I know anyways isn’t a se
ntence and I don’t care.   My site, my rules.   Yes even if I mispell everythang!  (See what I did there).   I type fast and careless on a phone most of the time so suck it.  

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So, I just sat there.   Waiting while others had fun.   Thinking about random shit like…why do people let other people “sweep them off their feet”? (I will cover this on a different post)
Where the hell did my child self energy go?  Is energy a passing a thing you give your kids when you have them? 
What am I doing with my life?
What should we eat for dinner?

You know.  All the normal questions you ask yourself when you are dare I say bored. More like restless.  Not busy.  No distractions.
I hate that word.  Bored.  If you find your self “bored” then you my friend have a serious expectation problem.  So many kids have this issue.  I blame electronics.  It is not my job to keep you entertained every second of every minute of every hour…and so on.   Get an imagination. 

I’m all kinds of ranty today.   You should hear me on the highway.  
But that’s every damn day.  
Let me just clear something up for your dumb minds (if you are these people).
In my ” you needs crayons for this explanation voice”
Right lane is for slower, cruising along, non passing people. Left lane is for passing pretty much only.    You pass then get over until you know you’ll pass again.   Capeesh?  

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OK…..after the city museum it was pizza and gelato.  The best gelato around.  The bug won’t stop talking about it.  
It was a good trip for the kids.  

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Reached 100000 miles on the TB. 

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Sleep was had. 

I’m wreaked with depression again.   This seems like I’m in a relentless batting cage.   Where the balls are memories and worries and stressors.   I want out. 

Gathering the energy to get a shower seems impossible today.   Ugh….

J-Bird

St. Louis round 1

Here’s some of our weekend trip over view.

We walked. A lot.

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9 miles to be exact. My body Hates me.

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We enjoyed some March madness.  That Xavier game , or whatever, was a nail biter.  

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We walked more….. Lots more….
Then the Mud house of course. 

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Some famous gelato was had as well.  
It was fun. 

J-Bird.

I’m older now..

…so that means I’m wiser right?   Right??….

Yesterday was muh Birfday.  34.  Thirty effin four!

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Kenneth put together a little party for me.  The kind you sing at.  Look at him…all hanging up my amaze-balls Llama Banner!   I love llamas.  This month I have a new llama shirt coming in every week I think.  Thanks babe.

I got a moneys from the rents, a cake from the feathers, a llama painting, robot cat socks (which I have on right now and also they turn my wood floors into a skating rink), and an astronaut cat/ pizza cup from gutterskump, a new seat to made for my bike from Sherve, all kinds of shit from Kenneth *swoon* , a new amiibo from Scott Kelly, not one but 2 books from Future CEO, some lotion and girly things…some chocolate and gum from……K (need to think up a name for her,  and I know there was something else from a certain person and I, for the life of me, can not remember and I’m too lazy to get up to look.  Shart.  Either way I am so grateful for all the things but I am more grateful the friendship and time spent having fun with theses folks.

Kenneth serenaded me at the party.  It was super sweet and I’ll always remember it.

They sang happy birthday through a mic synthesizer thing. So I got to hear it in a demonic voice while I blew out my 666 candles.  Ha. Ha.

Finished the night playing some drums with Dr. tooth/ Baby momma!  I’m really loving the drums.   Like a lot!

I still have birthday apocalypse coming up with Sandwich Control too.

 

So anyways,  I was reading one of my new books while using the restroom earlier.  I wondered to myself if others do the same.  Read on the toilet that is.  I assume others do that.  If so….christ how many poo particles are on our books in our house.  Or our phones.  OH GOD!   gross

Headed to St. Louis again tomorrow with Kenneth and his buddy “the Shark” for now.  You know like the one off Nemo?   We are going to go watch some basketball.  Should be a good time.

I off to pack with Ken.

J-Bird

 

 

Green….

there…. I was festive.

On to other stuff.

I haven’t written in a bit.  I was made aware of that and I realize I don’t write when I’m down.  I’ve been down a lot lately.  Feeling ok today though, so I got that going for me.

Today is my Step-sons birthday!  Happy Birthday Cobe-san-a-rama.

This week I found out my youngest feather has a legit learning disability.  It’s good to have validation.  Now I have to learn how to learn her.  🙂  I needed some more complicated shit in my life.  She’s great and we will get through this.

Still been working on the bike.

Cleaning parts and removing very old and very stuck gaskets is the not so fun part of building your own bike.  But it must be done.

I’m getting a little impatient again with it.  I want to put the thing together and ride it already.  UGH!

This weekend is getting close.  That means St. Louis is getting close.  EEEEEEKKKKK!

I’m Out!

J-Bird

 

 

And they’re still together…

….after all these years!

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Good ol mom and dad celebrating their anniversary today.   I wouldn’t know how because I just now remembered that it was their big day.   Geebus I’ve been so tied up in my own junk today that I forgot.      

I’ve been a bit stressed today or rather worn out.  I don’t even have energy to write about it.   
I am thankful that my parents have managed to stick it out even when things aren’t easy.  
I definitely didn’t follow their footsteps but I’m happy for them and I can depend on seeing them hand in hand until the end.   It is nice to be certain of some things in life.  
And I am certain those two will just keep on going on and on.   
Night

J-bird. 

Who the hell am I?…

I’ve been an eating fool this weekend.   Like real food.  Im so stuffed. If you understood how picky I am you would understand my confusion.  Kenneth and I made a trip to St. Louis this weekend.  It has been so great.  Before we left I made a stop by, …..we’ll call her…..”Future CFO”….., house.  Hair for another awesome client of mine. 
Found out that haters still be hating.  I find hypocracy to be one of the most mixed feelings things ever. 
Its enraging and hilarious at the same time.  Some people will never grow up and they will never stop thinking the universe revolves around them.   The hammer will fall one day.  Vaugue much?  Future CFO is awesome and that wasn’t about her.  🙂

On to more positive things.   Louis the saint!  
This has been the most relaxing easy going trips ever and its quited my mind a lot.   Its been a while since I’ve felt that.  Ive had so much room to focus on me for a bit.   Recenter myself if you will.  I’ll touch more on that in a minute.  But first trip pics. ….

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He is the best traveling buddy! 

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He opens my door almost everytime we return to the car. He holds my hand.  He drums on the steering wheel like a drum to music.  Great conversation.  Great spreads of silence too.  He looks over and smiles, relaxing my mind.  I think I’ll keep him for a bit.   

First the city museum. ..
The art….the art…the art.  

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The chess game that I don’t ever stand a chance at winning with him.

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Roasting marshmallows outside.

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Our cage.   The best spot in the whole place.

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Gelatto.  The best gelatto. After eating at a legit diner.

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We decided to be adventurous and we planned to sleep in the car.   That is something I would definitely do again.  

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The ever famous Mud House was  a must stop.  I’d venture to say this was the center of our trip. For me anyways. 
I got a little emotional in there. 

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I’ve had a lot of clarity in this trip.  Like I said before, I’ve had some time to actually think for once. So much of my life is wild with kids, work, projects, spending time with friends and loved ones, being a taxi, home life, homework, worrying, and just everything in between.  I rarely have time for me.   What little I do get, I spend it checking out of the real world by you tubing things popping and watching how to make things.  Reflecting on ones self is hard, and scary.  Your mom’s hard and scary. 
I realize I don’t have real goals.  My main goal has been surviving.  Paying bills.   Kids getting from A to B.  

I want things that I’m not going for.   I have a  lot of good ideas and the skills to make these things happen but I’m not doing them.  Im scared.  Lame! 

I’m scared because I’m so busy trying to   self preserve. I’m busy trying to make everyone happy and not wanting to rock any boats. 

Im under this super heavy armor. Its been weighing me down for some time now.  Preventing me from being me.   The real Jenny.  The outgoing, vibrant, confident, creative, dreaming big, wildly funny Jenny I was at one time.   This armor is doing a fair job of protecting me from all of the cruel worlds ways.  Not a great job but my defenses are always ready.  I feel enough feelings for 10 people.   Thats a lot. 
What would happen if I just I dumped the armor?  What if I was truly raw to all things.  Forgiving freely.  Loving more and more freely. 
I dont trust anyone it seems.   Not trust in the simple terms, like “I think you’re going to cheat me” but like ” yeah you’re nice but you’re really horrible under that smile and you’ll hurt me given the chance”     

Thats a lot to defend against always.  Always being on guard.   Its a product of only letting shitty people stand out in my mind and letting all the good people have done disappear.   Its shit. 

Hell sometimes I can admit that somedays I dont want to drop gaurd and be super sweet to my kids because I know they are going to smart off to me and be super rude to me at least 5 times each before bed.   Realisticly more. 

I dont like it. 

Let’s get metaphorical. …

I’m a porous rock  

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I look at life like an ocean.  Ups and downs.  Life crashing on me every damn chance it gets.  Beating me up.  Changing the way I look and feel.   Forever changing me and creating pockets for things to hide and stay in, in my mind.    You keeping up?… I wear an armor to lessen my porosity.  Keeping the damage at bay.

What I need to do is look at it like a river.   I think sandwhich control has been trying to tell me this for a while.  (That or trying to get me to shuddup)

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I need to let life wash over me.  Letting things pass smoothly over my surface.  The good and the bad.  Polishing me   making me smooth.  Making me stronger than that porous rock anyways. 
When I figure out how to drop my armor I’ll let you know.  I know it wont be easy.   And it will take time.   

Anyways those are some thoughts I had. 

Then we went to ikea.  

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  Haha!

Later
J-bird