You will never know

The pain you’ve caused. The independence you stole. The courage you robbed from me. The pain that your sharp and emotionless tongue inflicted. The worry that you conjured in me. The love you grew in me. The growth you tended to in me. The feeling of the bottom of your shoe upon my aching heart. The innocent guilt you bestowed in me. How my cry for help sounded. The actual opinions I had or have. The judgement I make, made, or didn’t even have. The thoughts I currently own or the ones I’ve ever made. The feelings I feel or felt. The trauma inflicted. The way you come off. The way you sound. The sense you don’t make. How wrong you’ve been. How low I’ve actually gotten. The depth of my stories. The pain I have felt. The sleep I’ve lost. The respect I have lost for myself. How trapped I feel. What I actually want. What I desire. What I find attractive. What risk I want to take and what risk I won’t take. What I’d give. What I sacrifice. How I interpret the world. My perception. How good it felt. How bad it felt. The things I love. The things I hate. My perspective. How many times I smiled. How many times my brow furrowed. How many times I didn’t give up. How many times I tried again. EVERYTHING! For you.
I don’t know if you ever will.