I’ve been an eating fool this weekend. Like real food. Im so stuffed. If you understood how picky I am you would understand my confusion. Kenneth and I made a trip to St. Louis this weekend. It has been so great. Before we left I made a stop by, …..we’ll call her…..”Future CFO”….., house. Hair for another awesome client of mine.
Found out that haters still be hating. I find hypocracy to be one of the most mixed feelings things ever.
Its enraging and hilarious at the same time. Some people will never grow up and they will never stop thinking the universe revolves around them. The hammer will fall one day. Vaugue much? Future CFO is awesome and that wasn’t about her. 🙂
On to more positive things. Louis the saint!
This has been the most relaxing easy going trips ever and its quited my mind a lot. Its been a while since I’ve felt that. Ive had so much room to focus on me for a bit. Recenter myself if you will. I’ll touch more on that in a minute. But first trip pics. ….
He is the best traveling buddy!
He opens my door almost everytime we return to the car. He holds my hand. He drums on the steering wheel like a drum to music. Great conversation. Great spreads of silence too. He looks over and smiles, relaxing my mind. I think I’ll keep him for a bit.
First the city museum. ..
The art….the art…the art.
The chess game that I don’t ever stand a chance at winning with him.
Roasting marshmallows outside.
Our cage. The best spot in the whole place.
Gelatto. The best gelatto. After eating at a legit diner.
We decided to be adventurous and we planned to sleep in the car. That is something I would definitely do again.
The ever famous Mud House was a must stop. I’d venture to say this was the center of our trip. For me anyways.
I got a little emotional in there.
I’ve had a lot of clarity in this trip. Like I said before, I’ve had some time to actually think for once. So much of my life is wild with kids, work, projects, spending time with friends and loved ones, being a taxi, home life, homework, worrying, and just everything in between. I rarely have time for me. What little I do get, I spend it checking out of the real world by you tubing things popping and watching how to make things. Reflecting on ones self is hard, and scary. Your mom’s hard and scary.
I realize I don’t have real goals. My main goal has been surviving. Paying bills. Kids getting from A to B.
I want things that I’m not going for. I have a lot of good ideas and the skills to make these things happen but I’m not doing them. Im scared. Lame!
I’m scared because I’m so busy trying to self preserve. I’m busy trying to make everyone happy and not wanting to rock any boats.
Im under this super heavy armor. Its been weighing me down for some time now. Preventing me from being me. The real Jenny. The outgoing, vibrant, confident, creative, dreaming big, wildly funny Jenny I was at one time. This armor is doing a fair job of protecting me from all of the cruel worlds ways. Not a great job but my defenses are always ready. I feel enough feelings for 10 people. Thats a lot.
What would happen if I just I dumped the armor? What if I was truly raw to all things. Forgiving freely. Loving more and more freely.
I dont trust anyone it seems. Not trust in the simple terms, like “I think you’re going to cheat me” but like ” yeah you’re nice but you’re really horrible under that smile and you’ll hurt me given the chance”
Thats a lot to defend against always. Always being on guard. Its a product of only letting shitty people stand out in my mind and letting all the good people have done disappear. Its shit.
Hell sometimes I can admit that somedays I dont want to drop gaurd and be super sweet to my kids because I know they are going to smart off to me and be super rude to me at least 5 times each before bed. Realisticly more.
I dont like it.
Let’s get metaphorical. …
I’m a porous rock
I look at life like an ocean. Ups and downs. Life crashing on me every damn chance it gets. Beating me up. Changing the way I look and feel. Forever changing me and creating pockets for things to hide and stay in, in my mind. You keeping up?… I wear an armor to lessen my porosity. Keeping the damage at bay.
What I need to do is look at it like a river. I think sandwhich control has been trying to tell me this for a while. (That or trying to get me to shuddup)
I need to let life wash over me. Letting things pass smoothly over my surface. The good and the bad. Polishing me making me smooth. Making me stronger than that porous rock anyways.
When I figure out how to drop my armor I’ll let you know. I know it wont be easy. And it will take time.
Anyways those are some thoughts I had.
Then we went to ikea.