And they’re still together…

….after all these years!

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Good ol mom and dad celebrating their anniversary today.   I wouldn’t know how because I just now remembered that it was their big day.   Geebus I’ve been so tied up in my own junk today that I forgot.      

I’ve been a bit stressed today or rather worn out.  I don’t even have energy to write about it.   
I am thankful that my parents have managed to stick it out even when things aren’t easy.  
I definitely didn’t follow their footsteps but I’m happy for them and I can depend on seeing them hand in hand until the end.   It is nice to be certain of some things in life.  
And I am certain those two will just keep on going on and on.   
Night

J-bird. 

Who the hell am I?…

I’ve been an eating fool this weekend.   Like real food.  Im so stuffed. If you understood how picky I am you would understand my confusion.  Kenneth and I made a trip to St. Louis this weekend.  It has been so great.  Before we left I made a stop by, …..we’ll call her…..”Future CFO”….., house.  Hair for another awesome client of mine. 
Found out that haters still be hating.  I find hypocracy to be one of the most mixed feelings things ever. 
Its enraging and hilarious at the same time.  Some people will never grow up and they will never stop thinking the universe revolves around them.   The hammer will fall one day.  Vaugue much?  Future CFO is awesome and that wasn’t about her.  🙂

On to more positive things.   Louis the saint!  
This has been the most relaxing easy going trips ever and its quited my mind a lot.   Its been a while since I’ve felt that.  Ive had so much room to focus on me for a bit.   Recenter myself if you will.  I’ll touch more on that in a minute.  But first trip pics. ….

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He is the best traveling buddy! 

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He opens my door almost everytime we return to the car. He holds my hand.  He drums on the steering wheel like a drum to music.  Great conversation.  Great spreads of silence too.  He looks over and smiles, relaxing my mind.  I think I’ll keep him for a bit.   

First the city museum. ..
The art….the art…the art.  

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The chess game that I don’t ever stand a chance at winning with him.

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Roasting marshmallows outside.

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Our cage.   The best spot in the whole place.

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Gelatto.  The best gelatto. After eating at a legit diner.

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We decided to be adventurous and we planned to sleep in the car.   That is something I would definitely do again.  

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The ever famous Mud House was  a must stop.  I’d venture to say this was the center of our trip. For me anyways. 
I got a little emotional in there. 

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I’ve had a lot of clarity in this trip.  Like I said before, I’ve had some time to actually think for once. So much of my life is wild with kids, work, projects, spending time with friends and loved ones, being a taxi, home life, homework, worrying, and just everything in between.  I rarely have time for me.   What little I do get, I spend it checking out of the real world by you tubing things popping and watching how to make things.  Reflecting on ones self is hard, and scary.  Your mom’s hard and scary. 
I realize I don’t have real goals.  My main goal has been surviving.  Paying bills.   Kids getting from A to B.  

I want things that I’m not going for.   I have a  lot of good ideas and the skills to make these things happen but I’m not doing them.  Im scared.  Lame! 

I’m scared because I’m so busy trying to   self preserve. I’m busy trying to make everyone happy and not wanting to rock any boats. 

Im under this super heavy armor. Its been weighing me down for some time now.  Preventing me from being me.   The real Jenny.  The outgoing, vibrant, confident, creative, dreaming big, wildly funny Jenny I was at one time.   This armor is doing a fair job of protecting me from all of the cruel worlds ways.  Not a great job but my defenses are always ready.  I feel enough feelings for 10 people.   Thats a lot. 
What would happen if I just I dumped the armor?  What if I was truly raw to all things.  Forgiving freely.  Loving more and more freely. 
I dont trust anyone it seems.   Not trust in the simple terms, like “I think you’re going to cheat me” but like ” yeah you’re nice but you’re really horrible under that smile and you’ll hurt me given the chance”     

Thats a lot to defend against always.  Always being on guard.   Its a product of only letting shitty people stand out in my mind and letting all the good people have done disappear.   Its shit. 

Hell sometimes I can admit that somedays I dont want to drop gaurd and be super sweet to my kids because I know they are going to smart off to me and be super rude to me at least 5 times each before bed.   Realisticly more. 

I dont like it. 

Let’s get metaphorical. …

I’m a porous rock  

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I look at life like an ocean.  Ups and downs.  Life crashing on me every damn chance it gets.  Beating me up.  Changing the way I look and feel.   Forever changing me and creating pockets for things to hide and stay in, in my mind.    You keeping up?… I wear an armor to lessen my porosity.  Keeping the damage at bay.

What I need to do is look at it like a river.   I think sandwhich control has been trying to tell me this for a while.  (That or trying to get me to shuddup)

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I need to let life wash over me.  Letting things pass smoothly over my surface.  The good and the bad.  Polishing me   making me smooth.  Making me stronger than that porous rock anyways. 
When I figure out how to drop my armor I’ll let you know.  I know it wont be easy.   And it will take time.   

Anyways those are some thoughts I had. 

Then we went to ikea.  

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  Haha!

Later
J-bird

*sigh*

As I sit here and go into a weird sad place in my head tonight…I wonder why people in life along the way have ever targeted me.   I don’t mean any of this like, “woe is me”.  No, everyone deals with people sharting on them through life.

I definitely won’t go into the really terrible things because that’s far to personal but just regular everyday people being rude, insensitive, or anything negative towards others.   I remembered being in elementary school and kids not wanting to play with me…so I played alone at recess, or followed the teacher on duty around. (yeah I was that annoying kid)

Eventually the only other kid who everyone shunned would come hang out with me.  We made the best of it I guess.  But damn kids are mean.

It’s not just kids though.

In Jr. High I was sitting on the bleachers alone at a game.  It was half time and the dance team scattered to socialize while I sat alone.  The kids behind me (kids on my team) started laughing and making fun of me saying “HA!  Yeah she does look like Olive Oil from Popeye” What jerks.   I just sat there and cried.  One of the kids was a guy I had a crush on that I would never speak to.  I used to sit with him in class and we had to trade and grade each others papers all the time.  I never marked one wrong for him…even though he was a dummy.  So was I.  The little shit made fun of me to be cool.  Yay for body shaming a girl going through her awkward stage.

And Jr. High was my best years.

High School….girls picked on me in the hall ways because a guy they like, liked me.  geez.  A girl picked on my at school and Online (when that crazy stuff first started to happen with dial up).  That was over the guy I had dated for over a year wouldn’t leave me for her.  Then for absolutely no f’n reason, in my science class (which I LOVED!), the kids picked on me.  They would put tacks in my seat.  That actually hurt.  Plucking metal out of your ass in class was humiliating.   Everyone would laugh.  My awesome science teacher knew getting on to them would do no good so he would pop quiz them on those days and made me not do the quiz and give me an A.

Jerks….all of them.

But it never really stops.  Adults never stop being rude, insensitive, condescending, petty, gossipy, hurtful, etc..   Building each other up has become a rare thing.  It’s easier to put people beneath you instead of taking the time to nurture a human.  A freaking human.  Then sometimes when we are about to step on someone we belittle them, insult their character, make up lies and project them as truth, just to victimize ourselves even more.  Just to be more right so we feel better about our choices.  Act on total emotion and zero logic.  It baffles me.  And I am sure I’m guilty.  The very people we are the closest to are guilty.  Hell,  there has been days, as a mom, that I’ve probably treated my kids in some of these ways, all because of me not being able to handle my own shit.  No,   …..I’ll own up.  I have done this.   It’s bull, and I’m ashamed of that.

Anyways,  Build someone up.  Especially that person that looks pissed and mad at the world or even the one that is smiling so much cause they are hiding so much pain.  Just be straight with others.  If you have a problem address it as it is.  Quit playing games to set situations up where your a victim.

Sorry, I needed to get that off my chest.

This past weekend was a whirlwind.  I threw the Bug a little shin dig for her decade celebration.  We jumped and had a tiny party

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She loved it!  I loved having people that love her around.  That was so sweet to me.  Some people are great.  I chose some good ones to keep around.

She’s turns 10 in an hour.  Everyone says that they can’t believe how old their child is getting.  I used to as well.  But I can believe it.  Time is flying by and I am feeling all the child rearing years I have invested this far.  I know there is so much yet so little left to do in raising her.  It’s wild.
Happy Birthday kid.  May the next ten years treat you good!

J-Bird