Music…….my teacher, my healer, my sanctuary.

Music always heals me.  When I feel numb inside it always awakes my senses again.  With a heavy heart yesterday I turned on a group I liked and started a raido off of them.  This song popped up first thing.

Beautiful really.

I’m again almost at peace with things.  Almost.

God, I have some growing to do.

That is all for today.




I hate days like this.


Again paying close attention to all my failures, all my bad choices, and knowing that they all led me to this point.  I choose this.  Unintentionally, I choose every bit of this.

The universe does not care what my intentions are. It does not care where I want to be.  It does not care about me…the meaningless speck of dust floating on this speck of dust of a planet, floating on the speck of dust which is our solar system, and on down the line.

The universe only cares about itself and balance.  The whole thing continues on without skipping a beat.  I just feel like the drum today.  Taking an emotional beating.


I just want for once in my whole F’n life for something incredibly good to happen to me and stay.

Usually when good things happen life want to maintain the balance and throw some equally bad with it.  UGH!

I need to just be a recluse.  Blocking the world out.  Never meeting new people or doing new things.  Would is suck? Yes.  It would dull and boring.  Sounds better than all the ups and downs…  ok.



Getting back on track

At least I’m trying to.  I’m juggling far to many things in life at the moment to have time to journal my life, which is something I like to do.  So this means my priorities are out of whack.  Just like my knees right now.  Doing Gobs of squats everyday is killing my knees.

Really though, I have too much on my plate these days and it is filling me with anxiety.  So when things like having a sick kid falls in my lap I kinda fall apart inside.  I have anxiety at work about them and when I am home I have anxiety at home about not being at work.  It’s an ugly cycle.  Why can I just roam the world with kids in tow?  Why can’t I just follow my earthly instincts and become one with it instead of fighting against it to fit into the society norm?  I will tell you why!  Because of stupid people.  People who we let dictate our lives to fit into their own.  Because of rule makers.  Because it makes people uncomfortable.  Because being a “good mother” wouldn’t abandon a “normal” life to nourish her kids in a fulfilling, adventurous one instead.  One where we are always exploring.  Always feeling alive.  Always thinking outside of ourselves.

No instead we will stay in one spot forever. :/  Not ever getting the chance to follow our noses.  Maybe one day.  When I get the guts and a way.  *sigh*

Well even though I feel this way, we did have a lovely and busy weekend.

I have the sunburn to prove it.  I mowed a lot!  You might not know that mowing is so zen for me.  I love doing it.  It distracts me from myself.  Thoughts go away and I just cut grass.

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We made smores, we caught tad poles, we went on a walk, we snuggled, we skinned knees, we cried, we got better.  Nature is healing.  Life is something I am just not content with passing by like robots.  This weekend I soaked it up.  I want more of that.

On that note cakes are calling my name.



Thank Epona it’s Friday!  Just what I needed, an ass to accompany my soul on it’s final journey.  *eyes rolling*

So it’s is my last work day of the week.  No that doesn’t mean things will be chill.  In fact I think I will work even harder this weekend.

The bugs ears are feeling better.  She still can’t hear all that well.

While waiting on her meds at the pharmacy, we decided to drive around.  We found this cute little skate park.


We ran all around it.  It was fun really.  I wanted my skates really bad.

I will go to a skate park with skates dang it.  One day.  LIFE GOAL!

Well I need to go in.  To be the cake boss that is.  🙂

I have big plans tomorrow.  A surprise for this guy.

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He forgot his glasses.  Makes his eyes do crazy things.    Dork!

Later taters!



I’m a glutton for Punishment…

Just thought I’d let it be known.  A human punching bag apparently.  Thanks universe!  I know….I know….I chose this.   UGH!!!!!!!!!!

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By the way.  I’m taking Tater-Bug to the doctor this A.M. to get her ears checked.  She can’t hear a thing and they hurt.  Send her good vibes.

That is all.


Ready for the storm…..I think.

Yesterday was such an easy going day.  Can’t they all be that way?  No.  You know why?  I’ll tell you why.  Because it must storm.  Before the storm there is always a calm right.  Guess what that means.   This week is about to be poop.  Not looking forward to it.  Those that are close know why.  I have hopes that it won’t be but my expectations are sadly low.

The kids were excellent acting this weekend.  It was so weird.  Minimal fighting and lots of obeying.  They were just easy going.  Buckle up J!  The storm is a brewing.  And this time it is not me being a tornado.

I’ll keep you updated.

This morning as I fixed my feathers hair I dreamed.  Dreamed of a day when they won’t let me do their hair anymore.  Dreamed of a day when they won’t need me for much at all.  The thought makes me sad and happy at the same time.  I love them at every age and hate watching it fly by but then I love every new age they become.  Becoming more and more self sufficient.

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I hope they remember all the good mornings we have.  All the funny talks in the car.  All the giggles at table wear we eat and play games.  I hope all the good out weights the dark times.  I hope they remember the way my heart sounds when they come in for hugs.  I hope they remember the crazy car dancing, kitchen dancing, getting out of the shower  bare butt dancing we did, and all the side splitting jokes and stories we told.  I hope they remember how it felt when I ran my fingers through their hair, carefully placing every strand to their liking not mine.  I hope they remember so much of me.  But not all.  I’m not that perfect or anything.  Just a regular mom trying to do her best.  Messing up along the way.

Maybe they will.  Maybe they won’t.  If they grow up satisfied  then I did something right.


Bunnies and crucifixes

Seems like this should be a mourning day in the christian community.  But no.  Somehow we just don’t focus on the bad in this religion and only focus on what is good for us.  Seems a bit selfish.  But that sounded judgmental.  Sorry.  At work I had to pump out like a bajillion easter related cakes, cupcakes, cookie cakes and more.  I have on hand lots of cake toppers and pics and such to decorate said cakes.  One being a cute, pastel little cross.  It is surrounded by pretty flowers and all that.  I didn’t have it in me to put it on anything.  Here it is!


Isn’t it adorable?

It just doesn’t seem right to me.   Don’t look at a cross like this and thank your God for sending his son somehow to earth to be brutally murdered in front of everyone and for rising again.  Don’t take all that from this sweet cross.  This image should be popping in your religious minds instead.

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They don’t make cake toppers like this though.   Why because NO ONE wants to remember it like this.  NO ONE!

Let’s talk about bunnies and eggs instead.  This year I am not doing it.

Not going to give much attention to this holiday.  A little but not much.  We may come up with our own tradition.  Rant about easter is over.

Anyways….yesterday was mildly productive.  Spent a portion of the day trying to open the pool up.  Trying being the key word in that last sentence.

I made a yummy meal for BDK after a long workday.  Ahhh BDK! …… The kids were in the best moods yesterday as well.  So different and nice.  Watch some basketball.  A sport where they run a lot with an orange ball and shoot it into a ring. I dunno.  🙂 lol

I learned a few things.  Still not a sports fanatic though.  Got a good nights sleep and ready for this rainy day.  I love rainy days.  I’m such a hermit.

Gotta go soak it up.


As the clock ticked….

Or tocked.  Which ever is louder.  I laid there this morning in bed.  Laid there for a long time lost in thought.  I had weird dreams.  One where I was needed at work because I needed to make more cakes.  No matter how many cakes I made it wasn’t enough.  I could not work fast enough.  I think I needed the weekend to be here.

Ended up going to work for a bit today.  Why……because they ran out of cakes.  Imagine that!

The other dream I had was in the past, or of the past, or of someone in the past.  I have had dreams of this person before.  It is so weird though because I haven’t spoken to said person in a decade.  I don’t even care about this person anymore.  The dream is always full of chaos.  Always us trying to talk or hangout but everything around is messed up.  I keep forgetting stuff which slows me down or things keep getting in the way.  So weird.

Anyways. It got me thinking about people I have come across in life.  Friends.  Ex boy friends.  Ex husbands.  Family.  Activities I used to be involved in.  No matter what the thing is I was involved in, I always destroyed it.  Or been a part of its destruction.  Either way it dissolved and went on without me in it.  And went on better for that matter.  Like every single situation has been this way.  I talked to Sand C. this morning about it.  He had his view on it.  Maybe I’m an agent of Chaos!!!  Maybe I am!

I am here to wreak the shit out of people’s lives, so that they then can pick up the pieces and make their lives better.  I absorb the negativity in the process.  It seems to be this way so far.

It was explained to me like this……..  Being an agent of chaos is fine.  ( I beg to differ)  I just need to find another agent of chaos to be with.  We could take the world on together. lol

Kind of like being a tornado.  Tornadoes aren’t bad.  What makes them bad is that we are in the way.  Tornadoes just wanna spin.  And keep things. lol


I’m like a tornado who doesn’t know until now that I mess crap up.  ugh..   Thank SC for the realizations.

Also thank you for showing me Sylvan Esso.  My new favorite song is Wolf.  Enjoy, or don’t.  I won’t care either way.


The modern wolf, he’s kinder
But seeing we, it’s a reminder
Don’t wear no suits, we’re talking t-shirts
See how he glides, makes women shiver

Ahoo, Ahoo

He ain’t no Jack, his voice is smoother
Been bending notes, just like his father

Ahoo, Ahoo

But no birds or beast does he eat
He only wants the tenderest meat
And all the sounds he makes em speak
Under all different patterns of sheets.

Colors blind, oh, dopamine.
And she looked so good when they were last seen

Ahoo, Ahoo

The modern wolf, the modern wolf
Drippin’ in all the lives that he took
He’s going home, try to wash them off
But when he shaves, he hears them call

Ahoo, Ahoo


Read more: Sylvan Esso – Wolf Lyrics | MetroLyrics


Thank Dionysus it’s Friday.

I’m back from la la land, or where ever I’ve been.  Holy Geebus I haven’t wrote in a while.  Life has me crazy busy boo.

I’d like to start out by wishing “he who hasn’t made up a special name” , AKA my step son, a happy birthday!


He’s the big two zero!   My external hard drive has taken a huge dump and refuses to work so no little kid pictures today.


You get this though.  Mr lumberjack is so handsome.  He is also talented, smart, hilarious, sweet, strong and so many more things.  He resides in Cali right now so send him good happy birthday vibes.  Love you Eli!  I met you when you were 10.  Wow how time flies.  I’m thankful for you all the time!

I can’t even believe how busy I have been.  I’ve had no time for anything and hardly anyone.  It is all I can do to be a mom, work, and derby.  I have had very little time to fit much else in.  I’ve been filling that little extra spot with something but that is none of your dang business.

I’m still enjoying work thus far.

Decorating cakes is still fun.

Anyways…I’m going to get back on track with writing again.  Have no fear.  But for now I must go.