I really hate this holiday. Especially this year.
Here lately I feel like a complete whine bag. But never the less, I feel what I feel and I can’t help that.
I’m kind of at a low point. I feel like most of the people I know don’t like me and don’t appreciate me. I’m focusing a lot lately on friends I’ve lost over the years for dumb reasons and all the men I’ve ever dated and how shitty they were to me at times. I know, all very negative and terrible to focus on. It is what it is. My heart has a mind of it’s own and I rather cut it out today.
I am very selective about who I have in my life and the people that are in it now, at least most of them, don’t appreciate me as their friend or their family member and I will go as far to say team mate as well. Not all of them but most. In the past, as it still is now, I tend to put people at the top of my hearts list that just can not or will not do the same in return. Leaving me feeling forever second or last in some cases. I’m too old for this crap. I just wish I had a best friend. The kind that puts me first most of the time. The kind that loves me when I’m an asshole or hangry. The kind that will listen to me cry and not be annoyed. The kind that will listen to these complaints above and be empathetic even if they lack logic. I just want a friend that is around. One that gets me. One that gives as much as I do and doesn’t just take. I’m that kind of friend if someone reciprocates it.
Love is weird, it’s backwards. It doesn’t have healthy boundaries and it’s blind. It’s illogical. It’s not rational. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care about balance. It flows as freely as air. You can not contain it. It’s a wild beast that I wish I could avoid because it is very very dangerous. It scares me at this point in my life. It has only resulted in pain. I hope to be proven wrong at some point and I hope love has a good ending for me one day.
Happy V-day butt holes!
J-bird